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Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.Stephen Colbert
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All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.Stephen Colbert
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A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?Stephen Colbert
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Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.Stephen Colbert
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So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.Stephen Colbert
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I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.Stephen Colbert
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America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.Stephen Colbert
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So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists–they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.Stephen Colbert
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So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such as how to get inner-city kids to spend $175 on shoes. They serve as a backdrop for some of our most memorable commercials. And they remain the one and only relevant application of math. Not only that, but we have sports to thank for most of the last century's advances in manliness. The system starts in school, where gym class separates the men from the boys. Then those men are taught to be winners, or at least, losers that hate themselves. .Stephen Colbert
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Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we'd be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our children's elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay.Stephen Colbert
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After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word counStephen Colbert
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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.Stephen Colbert
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But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there's no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It's just so arbitrary! Can't they see? .Stephen Colbert
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All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.Stephen Colbert
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That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.Stephen Colbert
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Divorce is a marital welfare. It's just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn't do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don't drag down my country's statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.Stephen Colbert
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The Crusaders lead to the Knights Templar; the Knights Templar lead to the Masons; and the Masons lead to the Shriners, a secret society that controls world government, toys with our banking system, and single-handedly keeps the fez industry afloat.Stephen Colbert
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According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a family is defined as two or more people living together who are related by birth, marriage or adoption. In other words, the U.S. Census Bureau is run by radical leftists. Why do you think there's a whole category for the unemployed?Stephen Colbert
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... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.Stephen Colbert